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Eugene Mirman
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I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)
Eugene Mirman
I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)
2015 · Comedy ·
Sub Pop
US · SP 1148
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Tracklist
Live In Seattle At The Columbia City Theater
A1
Introduction, A Gift From Derrick
A2
Some Jokes That Have To Do With My Girlfriend, A Hotel In Boston, A Man In Provincetown, Twitter, Time Vs. Timing, A Neck Pillow
A3
Sub Pop Showcase At SxSW
A4
Ask A Pastor
A5
Some Jokes That Touch Upon Religion, Guitar Center
A6
A Linkedin Profile
A7
The Time I Was Mugged In Mexico With Michael Stipe
B8
Girlfriend, Khaleesi, Any Questions, Making A ‘Zine
B9
Contacting Celebrities On Facebook
B10
Not Happy With A Parking Ticket I Got In Portsmouth, NH
B11
Paintings I Made To Showcase At My Local Whole Foods
B12
I Marry A Couple From The Audience On Stage
A Guided Meditation For The Thoughtful Body
C1
Welcome To The Meditation, Please Get Comfortable
C2
The Body
C3
Feet & Legs
C4
Tummy, Doodle & Hoo-Hoo
C5
Heart
C6
Throat, Arms & Hands
C7
Head
C8
Thank You Body, Simple Ways To Relax
Fuckscape
D1
Enter The Fuckscape
D2
Take A Ride On The Poon Schooner
D3
I’m A Dirty Little Foreign Advisor
D4
I Thought I Was The Pancake Man
D5
You’re A World-Class Pussy-Grifter
Eugene's Comprehensive Sound Effects Library
E1
Introduction
E2
Horse
E3
Horse Galloping
E4
Horse III
E5
Duck
E6
Duck II
E7
Dog
E8
Cat
E9
Cat Purring
E10
Cat Asking For Directions
E11
Two Sheep Arguing
E12
Mice Making Fried Rice
E13
Bear
E14
Wolf
E15
Fox Embarrassed About His Boner
E16
Giraffe Sleeping
E17
Turtle
E18
Turtle II
E19
Chicken Prostitute Haggling
E20
Shark
E21
Toilet Flushing
E22
Blender
E23
Automatic Door Opening
E24
Doorbell
E25
Alarm Clock
E26
Frying Pan Sizzle
E27
Teapot Whistle
E28
Dishwasher Running
E29
Telephone Ringing
E30
Telephone Falling On The Ground
E31
Shower Running
E32
Crackling Fire
E33
VCR Ejecting A Tape
E34
Group Of Businessmen Agreeing
E35
Baby Locked In A Dresser
E36
Fart
E37
Long Fart
E38
Fart III
E39
Little Girl Crying
E40
Man Walking In Boots
E41
Screaming Man
E42
Screaming Woman Who Sounds Like A Man
E43
TV Audience Clapping At Food
E44
Drum Circle
E45
Rave
E46
Last Guy At A Rave
E47
Train
E48
Steam Engine
E49
Neon Sign
E50
Motorcycle
E51
Scanning An Item
E52
Feeling For A Ripe Avocado
E53
Jihadist After Seeing About A Boy
E54
Jack-In-The-Box
E55
Jigsaw Puzzle
E56
Fire Truck
E57
Video Game
E58
Italian Person Eating A Pizza Pie
E59
Naturalized Immigrant Doing A Job You Are Unqualified For
E60
Abortion Doctor Enjoying A Candy Bar
E61
Grand Wizard Can’t Find A Sock
E62
Powerful Senator
E63
Powerful Senator II
E64
Fighter Plane
E65
Ambient Noise In An Airplane
E66
Airplane Flying
E67
Police Siren
E68
Police Siren In Europe
E69
Police Siren In Belgium
E70
Gun Shot
E71
Machine Gun
E72
.357 Magnum Inside A Watermelon
E73
Gays In The Military
E74
Thunder
E75
Rain
E76
Hurricane
E77
Blizzard
E78
Snowing
E79
Sentient Robot Going About His Daily Business
E80
Computer Downloading A File
E81
New Email
E82
Traffic
E83
Kids Playing In The Park
E84
Kids Playing In The Park II
E85
Spaceship Flying
E86
Spaceship Crashing
E87
Going To Warp Speed
E88
Alien Supermarket
E89
Laser Gunfire
E90
Someone Controlling Technology By Waving Their Hands
E91
Ronald Reagan Taking A Shower
E92
Tacos
E93
Fur Coat Getting Fucked By A Bunch Of Cats
E94
Tree Falling In A Forest
E95
Jewish Person Saying “Oy Vey” Wrong
E96
Summertime
E97
People Being Diligent At An Ad Agency
E98
Helicopters
E99
Living Helicopter Complaining
F100
Chinese Woman Eating Lasagna
F101
Hero Returning From A Budweiser Commercial
F102
Elephant Having Trouble
F103
One Of Those People On The Street Who Tries To Get Money
F104
Telephone Calling A Toaster
F105
Grasshopper Asking A Dog A Question
F106
Shortwave Radio
F107
Two Apples On A Rainy Sunday In The Fall
F108
Dentist Having Sex
F109
Panda At A Hotel
F110
Birth Control Pills Telling A Little Boy Not To Eat Them
F111
Cat That Doesn't Mind
F112
Male Toothpaste Being Sneaky
F113
Creamy Polenta Vs. Couscous
F114
Old Man’s Penis
F115
Dial Tone
F116
Museum That Needs To Use The Bathroom
F117
Celebrity Agreeing To Take A Selfie
F118
Guy Getting A Sweet Beej
F119
Fire Hydrant That Doesn’t Want Anyone To Know It’s Anti-Semitic
F120
Bellhop Who Got Stung
F121
LGBT Party Where People Are Eating Sushi
F122
LGBT Newsletter That Loves The Expendables Franchise
F123
Sweaty Kid Crying About A Sandwich
F124
Too Many Pieces Of Paper
F125
Puddle
F126
Magic Clown Using His Powers
F127
Wild Turkey Bragging About His Mansion
F128
The Number 84 Explaining To The Number 52 That It Is Bigger But Not Better
F129
Tape Recorder Being Used Wrong
F130
Misogynistic Maple Trees
F131
Apple Sauce Being Naughty
F132
Safe Word
F133
Two Pistols Sitting On A Shelf
F134
Cookies Being Arrested
F135
Sheep That Is Too Cute To Eat
F136
Daughter Reacting To Her Mother Telling Her There Are Two Kinds Of People In This World
F137
Desk Covered In Hair
F138
Person From 1870 Who Was Frozen In Time
F139
Boy Who Loves Hammocks
F140
Dustpan
F141
A Billion Ants Writing A Complaint Letter
F142
Two 20-Year-Olds Touching Their Winkies
F143
Yellow Line That Divides Roads
F144
Smell Of A Pear
F145
Group Of Wealthy Men
F146
Confused Child
F147
25 Rats Sleeping
F148
Flowers
F149
Fishing
F150
Boat
F151
Mizzenmast
F152
Bow
F153
Stern
F154
Basement
F155
Rainbow
F156
Telescope Being Defensive
F157
Larry King Being Told Important Information
F158
Well
F159
The Moment A Well-Respected Author Wins The Guinness World Record
F160
Salad
F161
Little Girl Teasing A Lamp
F162
Zoo With Nothing To Lose
F163
Racist Stapler
F164
Friendship Bracelet
F165
Thor’s Hammer, Mjölnir
F166
Two Lost Fireflies
F167
Humpback Whale
F168
Elevator At The Empire State Building
F169
Tip Of A Billionaire’s Penis
F170
Brand New Pillows Covered In Blood
F171
French Kids Picking Apples
F172
Huge Pile Of Dirty Shirts
F173
Hotel Guest Falling Asleep Frustrated
F174
RomneyCare & ObamaCare
F175
The Nerve Of Some People
F176
Boner School
F177
Spilled Milk That Found Out Its Son Died In A Car Accident
F178
A BuzzFeed List
F179
Two College Kids Subtly Trying To Figure Out Which One Is More Disadvantaged
F180
Fox News & MSNBC
F181
Amicable Divorce
F182
Bing-Bong Ding-Dong Playing With Boom-Boom Doom-Doom
F183
Snacks In Iraq
F184
Telecommuting Cat
F185
Nano-Horse
F186
Hebrew Ray
F187
Caldor Binge Drinking
F188
Gender Roles On Their Way To A Football Game
F189
Details
F190
School Teacher Given Permission
F191
High School Hockey Team Seeing 20 Years Into The Future
F192
Cheese
F193
Anna Kendrick Discovering An Underwater City
F194
The Czech Republic
F195
Drug Lord Feels Pretty Bad
F196
Hotel Bed That Is Tired
F197
Warm Handmade Boiled Bagels
F198
Silly Billy Goat Got A Heroin Addiction
Digital Drugs
G1
A Medically Reliable Introduction To Digital Drugs
G2
Marijuana
G3
PCP
G4
Heroin
G5
Apple Cider Vinegar
G6
MDMA
H7
LSD
H8
Amoxicillin
H9
Peyote
H10
Amaretto Sour
H11
Oxycodone
Over 45 Minutes Of Crying
I1
Crying
I2
More Crying
I3
Still Crying
J1
I Simply Keep Crying
Introduction To Spoken Russian
K1
Welcome To My Russian Audio Phrasebook
K2
Common Statements & Questions For Everyday Situations
K3
Conversational Russian In The Workplace
K4
Casual Phrases For Parties, Pubs & Outings
K5
Proper Dinner Conversation For The Educated Guest
K6
Small Talk With Strangers & Acquaintances In Public Spaces
K7
Useful Phrases While On Vacation In Russia
K8
Commonplace Subjects Within The Rich World Of Academia
K9
Polite Ways To Engage People Of High Status
Ringtones & Outgoing Voicemail Messages For Your Personal Use
L1
Intro To Ringtones
L2
Phone Call
L3
Vibrate Vibrate Vibrate
L4
Ding-Dong Doodly-Doo
L5
Waterfalls Shrimp Shrimp
L6
Fiddle-Doddle-Doodle-Deedle
L7
Doo-Doo-Pa-Dee-Da-Da-Pada
L8
Phone Is Ringing
L9
Friend
L10
Love
L11
Spicy Fish
L12
Mother Calling
L13
Father Calling
L14
Mother 2
L15
Father 2
L16
Zippa-Dee-Doo-Da Zippa-Dee-Da
L17
Aaaaaaaa
L18
Wife Calling
L19
Husband Calling
L20
Someone Is Calling
L21
Fuckface Calling
L22
Acquaintance
L23
Unnnnnn
L24
Auauauauauauau
L25
Wouowowoooouuuooo
L26
Whistle Ring
L27
Trtrtrtrtrtrtrllllbbrrr
L28
Vrrrvvvvvvvvvvbbbrrr
L29
Hyeuueehuuyehyeheyehyeyeeuu
L30
Gwreeegwkqreu
L31
Hrrruuhrrrunnghruu
L32
Hraaaa! Hraavlaa!
L33
Luuuuleelaaalalou!!
L34
Unnngnhhhnhnhnuua
L35
Answer The Phone
L36
Pffrrrtttt
L37
Susan Sarandon Is Calling
L38
Colleague
L39
Doodle-Doodle Hoo-Hoo
L40
Hey!
L41
Waffles
L42
Fuckbuddy
L43
Piano Cleaner
L44
Bryan
L45
Cream Cheese
L46
Rabbi
L47
Priest
L48
I Can't Answer The Phone
L49
Intro To Outgoing Voicemail Messages
L50
Dr. Fart
L51
Sarah
L52
Social Anxiety
L53
The Sizzle-Maker
L54
Mittens
L55
Kate
L56
No Answer
L57
Debbie
L58
Andrew
L59
Phil Donahue
L60
Kaitlin
L61
Old Man
L62
Steve
L63
Lucy
L64
Judy
L65
Megan
L66
Leave Your Name
L67
Kim
L68
Tim
L69
Miguel
L70
Sebastian
L71
Penicillin Dong
L72
Thong McHacky-Sack
L73
Matt
L74
Katie
L75
Confident Balls
L76
Robert
L77
Mr. Shitface
L78
Pile Of Sneakers
L79
Pasta Nasty
L80
Crème Fresh Jackson
L81
I Can’t Answer The Phone
L82
Flitchy Woo-Woo
L83
Slick Motherfucker
L84
Sleepy Horse
L85
Can’t Come To Phone
L86
Dawn
L87
I Am A Doctor
L88
Nick
L89
Poodle
L90
Hello, Mr. Cunt
L91
Standard Greeting 1
L92
Standard Greeting 2
L93
Standard Greeting 3
L94
Standard Greeting 4
L95
Standard Greeting 5
L96
Standard Greeting 6
L97
Standard Greeting 7
L98
I Can’t Answer The Phone (But I Want To)
195 Orgasms
M1
Please Take Off Your Shoes
M2
Don Draper Has The Flu
M3
Moons Over Your Hammy
M4
It’s Not A Slumber Party Without Thor
M5
Now My Back Hurts
M6
Waffle House Parking Lot Mix-Up
M7
Thank You So, So Much Mandy Patinkin
M8
Oops
M9
Sneaking Around The Zoo
M10
Goodnight, Buddy
M11
Baba Yaga Already Said She Was Sorry
M12
Faxed To The Wrong Number
M13
Linda Ronstadt Chillaxing
M14
1960’s Street Fight
M15
Seriously Bro, You Just Made Me Goosh… Thanks
M16
You Can Call Me Al (Not Song)
M17
Don’t Worry, This Man-Nanny Can Keep A Secret
M18
The Best Misunderstanding
M19
Whoa… Lookout, Sir Beast-Weasel
M20
Kindhearted Fireman
M21
Let’s Put Our Intellectual Property Debate On Hold
M22
Happy Valentine’s Day, Mr. And Mrs. President
M23
Ice Cream Hearts Melting In The Love-Sun
M24
Offal For Lunch, Woo-Hoo For Dinner
M25
Goofballs Having Silly Fun
M26
The Jackal Never Misses!
M27
Land-Grabber’s Cousin Has Nice Upstairs
M28
Mrs. Thunder / Mr. 80% Chance Of Rain
M29
Don’t Mind If I Do…
M30
Round One Goes To Princess-Rump
M31
Happy And Stuffed
M32
Just Another Guns N’ Roses Brunch
M33
Pleasant Surprise At Sleepaway Camp
M34
Handsome Old Man Has A Tummy Ache
M35
Have We Met?
M36
No, Please… After You
M37
Gimme Back My Bonnie Raitt CD… Actually, Keep It
M38
Tollbooth Attendant Is Open-Minded
M39
88% On Rotten Tomatoes
M40
Mischievous Whoopsy-Daisy
M41
Two Rascals Showing Off
M42
48 And Flexible
M43
That Was Worth It
M44
Bandits Helping Around The House
M45
Army Buddies Going Big-Ball Bowling
M46
I’m The Autodidact Of Amour
M47
Oh, My Wife Knows
M48
That Was The Best FTP I Ever Uploaded
M49
The Healing Heart / Mother-In-Law
M50
Just Two Doves At A Sweat Party
M51
We Get Five Weeks’ Vacation In Holland
M52
Young Man Is An Excellent Executive Administrative Assistant
M53
Two Adults In A Small Space
M54
Dude, We’re On The 5 O’Clock News
M55
www.thepleasuresallmine.gov
M56
I Don’t Have The Hiccups Anymore
M57
Thank You For Allowing Me Access To Your Oven
M58
These Goat-Like People Know Their Bodies!
M59
Bill Clinton Is Still Quite Playful
M60
I Could Sure Use A Glass Of Water Now
M61
The Kindness Of Strangers
M62
We’re Registered At Bed, Bath & Behind
M63
IT Department Doesn’t Have A Care In The World
M64
Brassy, Bald And Ejaculating
M65
I Voted For McCain In 2000
M66
New Car Smell, Old Car Feel
M67
Paul Can Really Push Good
M68
Stay In My Guest Room As Long As You Want
M69
David And Joshua Mutual Pleasure Exchange
M70
Doin’ The Flip-A-Doo
M71
Anti-Vaxxer “Saxophone” Relaxer
M72
Germaphobe Does Not Mind
M73
Very Sleepy Man Delivers On Promise
M74
Fourscore And Seven Years Of Happy-Happy
M75
Fart Walrus
M76
French Woman Enjoying A Danish
M77
No Shirt, No Shoes - Service
M78
With Or Without You (Preferably With)
M79
Shouts And Murmurs
M80
Pilates Are Invigorating
M81
I'll Take A Look At The Dessert Menu
M82
The Last Rock Star
M83
It's Noon Somewhere
M84
My Bar Mitzvah Was Ten Years Ago
M85
Community Bookstore Meet-Up Gone Good
M86
Love Clean Up, Aisle One
M87
Found Your Thing Using MapQuest
M88
Divorced MILF At A Used Record Store
M89
This Cheesecake Is Divine
M90
Jam Session
M91
Can't Find My Socks (Don't Want To)
M92
Even Better Than An Associate Degree
M93
I Went To School In The Boston Area
M94
Happiness Is A Warm Dong
M95
Square Hole, Triangle Peg, Plus Another Square Hole
M96
Call Me Dr. Stardust
M97
Now That's How A Puppy Should Sneeze
M98
Fun Times Inside A Grain Elevator
M99
Operation Cooch-Toot
N100
Preggo!
N101
My Parents Won't Be Home For A Year And Five Days
N102
Sure, In There Is Fine
N103
The Official Webcam Of Yugoslavia
N104
Last Entry Is At Three, But You Can Stay Til Six(!)
N105
We Were Just Talking About You
N106
Bridesmaid Cutting Loose At The Governor Bradford
N107
Sophisticated?
N108
We Deserve A Michelin Star
N109
Mr. Mamet Showing Off His Special Forces
N110
Soup Dumplings, Squish-Squish
N111
How Very Hemmingway Of You
N112
Drinking Straight Out Of Lust’s Milk Carton
N113
Amateur Anthropologist Makes Important Observation
N114
Senior Year Hebrew School Mischief
N115
I Wonder If This Was Allowed In Prussia?
N116
Pretty Fun Night In Merrill C3 Short
N117
Should We Take The Bridge Or The Tunnel?
N118
Dirty Boulevard
N119
Is The Love-Falcon Available For Birthdays?
N120
Portland, ME Is Cool… But Really Weird
N121
The Wish-Maker Will See You Now
N122
Head Of Development Instructing Rugged Hiker
N123
The Shenanigans You Requested
N124
What Gusto!
N125
Please Don’t Make This About Harold Pinter (Again)
N126
Wet Hot Americano
N127
A Gentleman Never Reveals His Source
N128
Glad The Town Approved Your Slurping Permit
N129
A Mime Betrayed, A Mime Forgiven
N130
Too Soon?
N131
Please Be Quiet Or You’ll Wake Up My Titties
N132
Never You Mind That
N133
She Got A Real Candy Apple Poot-Hooter
N134
Dolph Lundgren At That Top Of His Game
N135
Mustachioed Man Has Patience, Diligence
N136
Two Gigolos, One Office Manager
N137
Secretary Of State Is Not Off-Putting
N138
It Took Another Man’s Wife To Make This Boy A Man
N139
Nothing Goes To Waste
N140
My Mouse Is Thankful For Your Mouse
N141
Make Yourself At Home
N142
Meet Me By The Condom Machine
N143
I Feel Like I’ve Known You For Hours
N144
Oh, I Thought You Wanted Something Else, Glad It Worked Out
N145
Fire Your Dentist!
N146
Postwar Japan Is Well-Understood By These Two
N147
Gene Simmons Crying In A Pile Of Shit
N148
I’m The Only Lady Who Could Pull Excalibur Outta There
N149
Rooting For Truffles, Miami Style
N150
Businessman Has Ding-Dong Like Rocket Ship
N151
Sally’s In Charge
N152
Too Much Pudding, Not Enough Spoons
N153
The Turkish Parliament Has Approved This “Carrot-Man”
N154
It’s Raining Dan
N155
It’s Like Apples And Oranges (Fucking)
N156
College Is Exactly What I Was Hoping It’d Be
N157
Mentally Ill Farmer Is Finally Getting Help
N158
A Swedish Couple Enjoying Hearty Vegetables
N159
Vulnerable Oligarch Vulnerably Sexting
N160
Best Friends / Next Level
N161
Tooth Fairy Is Quite Real
N162
Civil Disobedience Met With Heartfelt Understanding
N163
A Textbook Case Of Level-12 Pleasure
N164
So Glad That Was You Behind Me
N165
An Astoundingly Honest And Fun Salesman
N166
Celebrating My Promotion With My Wife And Some Dude
N167
Martha Washington? Mmmm Hmmmm
N168
Crammin’ For The Jam Exam
N169
I’m Glad We Waited Til Dusk
N170
You Are As Powerful And Detail-Oriented As A River, Sir
N171
Just A Couple Of Lucky Special Ed Teachers
N172
You’re Like John Adams Times 1.5!
N173
Babysitter Surprisingly Into Divorced Software Engineer
N174
I Guess We’ll Need A New Kitchen
N175
Guilty Catholics Have To Marry Each Other
N176
They Call Me The “You’re Welcome Man”
N177
Let’s Get Your Mind Off Of The Dust Bowl
N178
So Relieved We Found This Abandoned Schoolhouse
N179
File Under “The Rolling Stones”
N180
No Need To Explain Your Clean Aqueduct
N181
My Poon-Noodles Are Your Doon-Poodles
N182
Two-State Solution With Benefits
N183
My Skill Set Qualifies Me For This Position
N184
Can’t Tell If This Is Sex Or Hockey
N185
Have The Report On My Dick In The Morning
N186
So This Is Medicaid?
N187
Mature Cougar Is Addicted To Beej Pie
N188
Abe Lincoln (Not That One) Is Ready For Fatherhood
N189
Sure, You Can Use The Cat Door
N190
No Senator, I Already Have Two
N191
PTA Meeting Is Full Of Joy And Wonder
N192
Oh Peter, Thank You For The Yard Work
N193
A Real Whodunnit!
N194
Horace’s Compromise
N195
Plutocrats Got Feelings Too
Credits
Producer
Christian Cundari
,
Eugene Mirman
,
Matt Savage
Mixed by
Nick Zampiello
Written by
Eugene Mirman
Engineer
Christian Cundari
Mastered by
Nick Zampiello
,
John Golden
Comedy
Lounge
Psychedelic Rock
Experimental
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